Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Cats of Thailand

Where is the orange one... named Garfield... he paused to think about words and first word was "dead" ... I kinda laughed.. I felt bad but it was an eventuality. Just a matter of time... but that's an awful reason to laugh... given the opportunity I would of kicked the dog that ate it while it was attacking the kitten. Or if before hand wrestle the dog. Grab the kitty and run away.

But... by the sheer number of stray and house cats... it's an eventuality. It will happen that entire litters die from getting eaten by insects, dogs.. killed by cars/motorbikes.. avcidently killed. These things happen in my original culture and environment. But not as a definitive and exponential; I remind you animal violence laws are only recent in Thailand.

I have these embedded attachments to medium sized domesticated mammals. Cats and dogs were a staple in cartoons and family style films. I had a cat named Smokey that I felt as much love for as a 8 year old could have. Died around 12 years old, I think. He was an outdoors type; annoying feisty thing he was, morning calls to open the door it's cold outsid. Probably had a dozen litters around town; like what I would do as a boy cat.

So I digress. But the point is my infinity for house pets exist in my childhood. Adolescence; and continuing so; I have my goofy mutt Neuron at home who is has always been my match for energy; we are equally as lazy and ready to be highly active. Love him.

To return to the theme of my disturbing laughs.. it was a culture shock.
Animals have rights and professional surgeons that charge the same as human patients.. from my own dwveloped awareness received as a child nurtured in my random environment (microcultures; proceeding from macro and meta-culture).

.... from my social conditioning, I was always aware that animals are extensions of family and should be treated with almost-rights or nature-rights; don't cause intentional harm, feed them so they are healthy, keep housed, almost-family member (in stories and discussion about home pets), or as family members, including gift giving and extensive health care provided.

I saw all this for animals... normally. And in my experience of general areas of south east Asia. It's almost the opposite. again chuckle-smiling as i wrote thst sentence.

Culture shock. Truly is that event. It's a normative you have understood and believed in, without ever actually doubting it. It's playing eith your perceived reality and your cognitive dissonances.

I think domestication and house pet is mostly wrong in the first place... we breed and inbreed dogs to get monetary results... economically speaking. Dogs and cats are not necessarily natural things; while mammals, didn't evolve in free terms or with freedom. Through human intervention these loveable creatures were isolated within our proxmities, and from helping us hunt to fighting each other, they have become what they are today, human companions; side kicks on an imaginary adventure to fun city. Excuse the absurdity.
But basically... dogs, cats, and sometimes pigs, horses, hamsters, ferrets, and like rodent sized and large mammals... we love our pets so much. We deemed society must love these sorts of animals; house, community, and competition pets need protection or rights to a degree that have as humans in a system of governance.

I find that amazing to think ...

We have animal shelters and 'Pounds' where to bring lost, unwanted, or 'stray' dogs. Like a half way house for unfortunate critters.... except getting their "act together" or rehabilitating depends on the next family that thinks their cute. This is still better to us (Americans; and related countries) than letting dogs and cats suffering in the street. It is amazing what you can realize by just looking at things we truly take for granted; the dog should be a family member, while in.. an equally sized alien socio-demographic of the world they are innately second and inferior to human. A lot of us get mad at this. I don't know what actually to think.
I mean a pig is smarter than a dog. And we eat a shit ton of bacon in America; there are websites for bacon based recipes. But if it were a dog equally domesticated to be like pigs... you would probably freak out; you would react 'emotionally' to the news you ate a bacon [meat fat] strip made out of a dog.
Some are appalled by a province of China eating dogs; once a year..

But they do the same thing everyone does to pigs.

Well except countries like America... where slaughter houses were once a corner stone of America's middle class economy. Replaced by automation and corporations.

A college education with summer work...

Truly we even over-consume said farm animals. Pigs and cows are known to cry before going into the 'house'. We know this. It's in documentaries and quick video clips... yet we still abuse those animals for our benefits. .. while we take a family photo with the dogs and cats...

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Prognostic Love

Forever xe will dominate cosmic complexity;
Submits to their mind and desire with calm ecstasy

Perpetrates the softest spirit of humanism;
Xyrs love demands no more or less than feudalism

Contemplates the vastness of interstellar space;
Seizes up once xe gazes upon their face

A disciplined mind like no other fellow;
"What would be a better rose, red or yellow?"

Mystic guru of patent empathy;
Ready to strike those offending, lightly

Xe is the prophet of the divine; 
"They are mine, now walk away you swine"

Time stands still and moves too quickly;
"Marry me now or be sickly"

Ambassador of courage;
"Without, I cannot manage"

Xe speaks only the truth;
"My love, harms our shared sooth"

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Looking in the Mirror

fickle little fucker; emotion lose stares
thinkin I'm a thumb sucker; evasive affairs
no chances given have to be quick
first words driven unlikely to stick
ears pucker as I begin to rhyme
eyes focus as words drop in lines...
you look at me giving my mind a colonoscopy
these words are merely just an art philosophy
visuals of what you want to be
a lie to say not projecting on to me
as if doe I cheated on you before,
lookin' at my messages as a chore
this mimetic nature is here fo sho
you hear what you wanna throw
we double back that's how we know
if this beat is original or has to go
am I gonna hurt you if you commit?
That's life, take chances, or just fuckin' quit
you take charge of what to feel
I can only give directions on how to steer

*sing* This life is not yours.... it belongs to others.... you are a glimpse of... those to come after you...

Those visuals you recognize
do everything to discriminize
lookin' for the flaws history taught you all
as though destiny has a taboo tattoo'd ya'll
its okay if I am not the preference
you dont have to get so intense
come over and do better on this microphone
create the art you want to make well known
it takes two be in a relationship
it takes one to be a dictatorship
your the audience so find flaw in this
haters gonna hate but I'll try for dis'
we are one for the sake of time
don't rush to love me and then criticize

The Revive of My Reflections Crying Eyes

I reach for reoccurring requiems to take away the worrisome
reclaiming the irrational with the resolution I am the wrathful one
a resonating response to the repercussion of the wretched one
retrieving rosaries and reigniting rage following his wonder son
requesting redemption with my burden of wallow reruns
a reluctant knight of resilience remembering Romans and wickedness

repeating these vows.... 
remembering I will die... 
but not until... 
the revive of my reflection crying eyes

righteous reactions to nature's resignation of wordoid spins
repressing reasons we make our resounding warrior skins
'though rude I am ready for the reign of the wondered one
yet really the royal rival is not running in the wild kingdom above
the revered is the roulette we revolve our wasteful succumb
such remedy is not a responsibly to the reverend watching sums
revelation of our veneration is no rushing reservation to our wishful becomes
reflecting on reverence of reality's rules as I dig deeper wounds 'til numb

repeating these vows.... 
remembering I will die... 
but not until... 
the revive of my reflection crying eyes

I reach for reoccurring requiems to take away the worrisome
a resonating response to the repercussion of the wretched one
requesting redemption with my burden of wallow reruns
repressing reasons we make our resounding warrior skins
'though rude I am ready for the reign of the wondered one
the revered is the roulette we revolve our wasteful succumb
revelation of our veneration is no rushing reservation to our wishful becomes
reflecting on reverence of reality's rules as I dig deeper wounds 'til numb

repeating these vows.... 
remembering I will die...
 but not until... 
the revive of my reflection crying eyes

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

This is Our Enlightenment [Revisited]


I will be interchangeably posting my poems on this website (which I been enjoying for the amateur poetry and painting/drawings) and this is a collaboration piece I did with the permission of a fellow Deviant.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Six, seven makes five

Every word takes away
From whom I liked to stay.
Poetry is my motion
A child eating lotion.
Mindful birds flock east
Optimism in rising yeast.
Six, seven makes five
The eight is the weirdest surprise"

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The Genocide of the Ants

I have to admit that when I first started my journey to destroy all ants in my home I made a lot of rookie mistakes in my approach to bring total annihilation to the ants which were eating my peanut butter.

During my time teaching in Indonesia the school I worked for provided me housing accommodation. It was a very nice home.....

At the beginning I kept my kitchen clean. Ants didn't seem to bother me really. They seemed to wonder around looking, but failed to find anything because of my cleaning habits. Until one day I bought peanut butter... I opened it, and mixed it with jelly, and placed in on top of the refrigerator and went on to my room to relax on my computer.  I came back down not two hours later and saw the tragedy.

The ants had attacked the lid of my peanut butter, my sweet sweet Morin. I followed the line of ants up the stairs. And all the way up the stairs to the top floor near the roof top door (not shown). There were dirt mounds which they had colonized. What to do to stop this? The first solution was not the best.

I began my novice attempts at killing ants with tape, packaging tape. I would wrap it around my hand, sticky side out, and just grab as many as I possibly could. Accounting for the dust and dirt I was picking up... Couldn't get enough tape. I must of used an entire roll before I considered how it was hopeless to eliminate this many. I decided to go chemical in this warfare.

In the supermarket I bought the Indonesian brand of Raid, insect killer, and made sure it has a picture of ants on it.  I needed the visual assurance.  I bought two cans to dual wield. These ants were destined to die by an avid gamer.

Keeping the peanut butter available, stupid ants, so the line of ants would not fade, I was ready to begin my attack.

The preparation for this battle was covering my skin completely with clothes.  And wrapping my hair and face, to limit inhalation.  I began from the source, the top of the stairs.  And sprayed with a ferocious like no other conqueror in history. AS though my super power were producing a cloud of poison that killed any who breathed it. A true killers mind.

After the stairs and corners leading up to the roof were taken care of, I took a break and went out to get some fresh air.

Upon my return I inspect my kitchen. The fuckers had reinforcements... And they went after my knife with peanut butter residue on it.  This was intolerable, unacceptable, my rage increased.  The kitchen was the next battle zone.

Putting on my armor and it began, again. I aimed at the corners, underneath the counters, and the floors... Nothing would be left after I was finish... I would have to clean the smell later. I was prepared to having to pay for the war crimes, but not prepared to the causalities beneath the sink.

I sprayed the Indo-Raid under my sink, I mean not just beneath but on the bottom of the sink itself, and what I thought was just dust build up that fell down. It was no dust!  It turned out to be a million ants... In one fair motion, millions were dead... Shouldn't of fucked with my peanut butter bitches. The big colony was down, mission accomplished, we can stay home.

While leaving the doors and windows open I went out and got fresh air, and with my chest was puffed out I breathed the air that bounced off it. Came home and mopped the floors and stairs, whipped down the counters, refrigerator, and everything I could think of I would touch with food or my hands. The day was won, I had achieved my goal to revenge my beloved Morin.

The next day I went shopping for food and bought a food container for future threat prevention.
I rewarded myself with another peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

Tossed the dirty knife into the sink, enjoyed my much deserved meal and went to watch my TV series; Vikings.
I napped. But, little did I come to realize, the war was far from over...

I came down stairs to the sink to see another line of ants. I followed them to their source with the rage of a thousand suns.

To my foolishness I discovered only some of the ants were going up the stairs, while others were heading behind the laundry machine next to the stairs (see above).  They were going under the stairs (not shown). There were pillows and various household items stored underneath the stairs.  I opened the screen door and shined a light inside to.... to... the horror.  

Hundreds of millions of ants were occupying this crawl space. Had Harry Potter slept here no magic could prevent him from a slow death. So, for the sack of the future wizard that may sleep here... and for the future of humanity... I ran to weapons of death and armor.

Getting a better look... there were also a series of spiders that had joined the ecosystem beneath my stairs.  Causalities of war.  But, my reserves were low, my cans felt less than half full. I must use all the remaining ammunition left.

I sprayed, and sprayed non-stop until the cans were empty. The aftermath.. was a blissful tragedy. The pile of ants that had been moving on the walls were not in a pile against the wall.   Not taking chances I cleaned out the crawl space... Nothing. I looked under and behind all the furniture ... Nothing.

The war was over... nearly a billion ants dead, and not a fuck given.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

"Explainer not entertainer"

I am not a performer; I am not an artist. I do not see the world for it's beauty, I see it for it's purpose and function.

Life is best understood in finite details. There is no need for art if there are working hearts. Being the pragmatist - what is tolerable? Is it coherent? Does it matter to me? Being the existentialist - what does it say to me? Who is involved? Does it matter to we? The rationalist? Well what do the others say and why? Which is more popular? Does it matter more to me or we?

I see life in meticulous details that do not work with rhymes. What does one plus one mean to a canvas? How can a heart - working just right - paint on the walls of the fortress and always, be looked back upon and be considered beautiful.

That stoic mind is ancient shit - we are intangible animals categorizing our limbs with limbs and minds with minds - the instinctual mind; the mind behind the mind pulling strings,

" Sing us a song you're the piano man...."

"bicycle bicycle bicycle.. I want to ride my....."

We familiarize with our environments and families. We copy our friends led by mother hens. We compete for company. We duplicate more than procreate. We mime to have a good time. And we memorize all of these external rhymes - whether you read them or not - these cultural lies depict our human myths.

Mother culture leads the followers away...

How can you simplify - a sloppy poem? What expression is best to explain this vortex we call home?
Must I be formal to say we are all just monkey knights? Swords and shields and an inflated frontal cortex.. Metaminded memories of shadows long forgotten yet we fight to say who's is who's. We are ghost of the future. We mean no more than we think, so says God and every other religion you can think.\

Imageless images, that's what we are - we reflect one another's mirror. We are an endless canvas of mind that looks at other endless canvas.

My rhymes were shit. I told you I'm not an artist, but I'm honest.

I don't think art is everything, but to be fair, the philosophy I read is riddled with endless dichotomy; the academia has failed to realize what my hate for art has taught me. We are only able to repeat the same mistakes, the room for innovation is a mistaken allegorical determination. To say this and that is new and by this person and before another and another... Once thought to be like that and this by these people. Now groups of people think different things about the same ideas, but disagree. Welcome to the human condition; nothing is new besides what people think is new about nothing.

The Dogs of Thailand

As a western, as a person from a place like America, when I think about dogs I understand their common regard is a companion if not more; like a member of a family. The common mentality I am familiar with regards dogs as something, that are special and meant to be treated with similar intensity as though it were born and raised like a human child.

I do not often think of them as rodents, as rats...

In America we have public systems that take 'stray' or wild dogs off the streets and place into 'pounds' or agencies where dogs are kept until adopted or 'put down' (or killed). You will not see a dog walking around without an owner for too long; they will be reported and picked up by a city/town official and taken into a place to await adoption or death. Resulting in the common idea is “we own dogs to love dogs” and thus never would consider dogs like we do squirrels or rats.

Between public services/systems and the culture of owning and raising dogs is so prevalent in a country like America we tend to treat dogs as though they were as special as a child; in need of affection, in need of attention.


As I make my time through Thailand I see dogs sleeping in the middle of the street. Walk around in packs at night. Wonder schools, restaurants, and public areas for left overs. Knocking over garbage cans. Begging people for food. Sneaking their way into restaurants when they think the owner or workers won't notice their presence. Relying on the kindness of people to feed them at least a little something at a specific time of the day. It's a bit ironic when you learn Buddhist actually consider dogs can potentially be reincarnated people. So, SOME monks do feed stray dogs, but since the food is limited, the strongest dog packs claim the area the monks feed within... Same goes for any territory. The strongest do survive. Yet, at times, you do see a dog with broken and limp legs (that never healed properly) following their brothers and sisters for straps. Heart breaking.

I see the dogs as children... Yet, they are actually a problem at times in the little city I lived in for over a year. In a sense, there is an infestation of dogs.. they spread germs, cause accidents, attack dogs owned by households, yet, rarely, cause harm to people. I imagine dogs learn fast not to harm people, because the locals will not tolerate that, and probably kill them. And only recently have animal violence laws been passed, so, it is often acceptable for the dogs to be destroyed by locals in a neighborhood.


So the history of all the wild dogs is simple to note. At the time when it was popular and perceived as 'important' to have a house dog the culture for dog ownership “blew up” in Thailand. After a while, as the economy went down and up and down and up, people began just letting their dogs go free OR wouldn't care so much when their dog ran away when they would feed it less than what they fed them before the money difficulty. In fact, today, the houses that seem to OWN their dogs (the dogs with a collar) seem to be more of a wealthy (well-off) family. Still, just because you let a dog go doesn't mean it doesn't exist anymore...

These mammals have instincts just like you and I; they want eat, they want to breed, and they want to do it again the next day. I see dogs as child that need to reproduce sooner than a mature adult... The dogs that were abandoned didn't stop trying to survive because their owners didn't want to take care of them... No, they would begin the struggle as an individual agent, or, at least until they can join a pack.

At my high school there were 5 black dogs, which seemed to be siblings due to ages, and 1 multi-colored dog (I don't know breeds I am not a scientist) that were a 'unit', a pack. One of my fellow teachers would feed them twice during the school week; once at 8-8:30 and again at 4-4:30. When she would arrive late, the dogs would walk up the stairs to try and find her. Otherwise the dogs wouldn't dare to travel further than the exterior/interior area of stairs; the would sit/lay near the door in order to avoid ran and get shade from the sun. They are sweet dogs and no students really pet them or care about their existence... Because dogs are like rodents... People do not want to harm them but they don't care about them as 'lesser equals' – no – in fact dogs are rodents in Thailand. There are so many wild dogs.
And being conscious of them all can be difficult...

One day after school I went to my Thai family's shop to hang out and use their wifi. I stay there for a few hours playing Hearthstone (an online card game); it's a regular day. It's starts to get late I haven't eaten since lunch time, which means 11 A.M in Thailand. So, I get on my bike and ride. I am thinking in my head about posting on a Facebook group; the original post was “What is worse than consciousness?” And I was trying to recall my own answer: “I try to remind myself everyday...”

A puppy runs into the street. If I swerve I will fall myself, I try to brake but I am going too fast...

I run over and crushed the puppy.

I stop and turn around. I look at the six or seven people, but one man is trying to resurrect the puppy with cold water. Everyone else is more amazed I stopped and was upset over the pup, than they were worried if puppy would live; they were smiling at me, nodding their head to greet me, and even laughing. The man, a father whom lived across the street, told his wife to get a pick ax and he said to me “it's okay.” But, I wasn't going to leave. I followed his to the back of the farm where 3 more families were lived; a little dirt road. As I walk and follow down this road everyone is again smiling and looking at me, while I am just in a state of dismay over this little puppy – he was cute and just so unlucky. The man began to dig the hole, I tried to help pick the dirt but honestly never worked with one. I watched his technique and tried to duplicate with failure. Instead I helped pull the rocks and dirt out of the hole. All the while, who I believe was his son, was following us with a toy gun making shooting noise – 'pew pew pew'.

He is there watching us dig a hole and tries again to wake up the pup.

He then began hitting the puppy in the face repeatedly. At first I thought to stop him, but why? What if he succeeds.. Also reinsurance of the puppy's fate..

The hole is finished and we place the pup in it and slowly put dirt, rocks and an old t-shirt around him/her. The father said “it's okay, no problem” but I can't help but feel terrible. I kneel at the hole and think “I am sorry for killing a mammal...” “I will be more careful..” “I am sorry...” The father then comes over and grabs my arm and tells me to come. I follow them out and again the people are smiling and nodding at me.. They do not see many foreigners near their houses let alone on their property. I understood why they were excited to see me, but, it was obvious why I was there... I did not want to make friends that day. I wanted to be more careful when I drove for then on.

Dogs may be rodents in Thailand and a large area of South East Area when compared to my home country, but I can't help but bring my culture with me where I go. While I try to fit in and function properly and successfully in a foreign land, I don't think I will ever be immersed enough to accept killing a dog like it were vermin. To me, it is like I killed a child, but not the kind I would go to prison for killing. The kind of child that is no exception because of species... just a child.

This story is the same if it were a kitten... the information is generally the same for cats. Just rats, cats and dogs... And rats are incredibly smart. A rat for a child is a brilliant pet. Give rodents a second thought, I mean, our prime ancestor was a rodent, bottom feeding mammal.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

A Joseph Story

So I have a moral dilemma that keeps creeping up on me... I do not know if I handled the situation well or not. I do not know if I did the right thing... So here is the story:

A few years ago, I re-met a high school friend that introduced me to a new group of friends (all related through various.. party activities.. such as clubs and drugs).  In a time span of three months I visited a dozen houses of random potheads and drug-addicts.  Half were notably good places to relax and hang out, the other half tend to have their own stories of drama.  One being a girl who's mother was also her sister... She was a pretty girl, but, no thank you to associating with that household! The main hang-out would be an apartment in a shady neighborhood who's tenant worked as a manager for a group of web-designers; which sounds lucrative but its more of a free-lance thing. His family actually paid for the apartment.  He was a nice guy though, tried very hard to be good, which would end up with him being taken advantage of by his friends, regularly.

For every knuckle headed stoner, there were an intellectual or 'awakened' fellow among them.  I mingled with the group and got a long with the majority of them. I recall one particular man named Daniel who was studying psychology; he was very intellectual and debated well. If the entire experience with this group of friends meant anything to my life it was because I was able to associate with this man. However I fear the behavior of the group would take the better part of him down a few notches.. And there was one other notable fellow - whom our story involved intimately; Joseph.

I became really good buddies with Joe. Hung out all the time, talked a lot. And the other groovy people joined us often to discuss religion, philosophy, metaphysics, spirituality, etc, etc. We covered all the meta-topics of reality from animals to the universe.  Joe and I bounded based on shared beliefs more than anything else.  I was at his house every other day and I would be giving him rides to his needed destinations as often as I was available. He didn't work and was rather lazy to find work, but, I saw him as a good person so I gave him a hand when I could; meals, drinks, etc. I had no worries with spending money for him.

At one point I loaned him my tablet, because he didn't have a laptop or PC or smartphone. Call it first world sympathy.. Everyone should have some type of internet access! And it was fine, we hung out all the time, I used it when I needed it. He would bring it with him everywhere constantly, so I felt safe with him having it.  The tablet was a gift from my brother on Christmas.  I had my laptop and iphone so I didn't need to lug around a third piece of equipment all the time; the loan to Joe was nothing to me.  Until, after a few months, I wanted it back.

We were at the usual apartment hanging out and Joe wasn't there, which was odd.  I had told him the previous day to bring my tablet because I needed it for my vacation; didn't want to carry mt laptop onto a cruise ship.  I called and was ignored, no big deal, I'll see him the next day. We all hung out and partied like usual.

The next day I call and he seems dodgy "yeah I am busy today" again I think nothing of it, because he has been a good friend. But after two days I ask my friend, the one whom introduced me to the group, what was going on... after tireless neglect to answer me directly, I sherlock holmes him into confessing Joe has in fact broken my tablet.  We called Joe to have a discussion.  Joe said sorry and that he would fix it, I said it's okay I will fix it and you will pay me when ever you can.  Joe insisted he would fix it and would return it.  I said no problem, let's have fun now and we did. I believe we went to a club that night.

The following few days I wanted a follow-up on my tablet's condition; as though it were my hurt baby. Joe was again dodgy to give me specific details.

Another meeting was necessary...

"Joe, what happened to my tablet?"
"Somebody stole it the other day..."
"Was that after or before you were getting it fixed?"
"After it was fixed someone took it from my bad." He said lying to my face.
"Well, man, I am sorry but you have to help me pay for a new one. That was a gift from my brother and he is asking where it is..."
"Yeah man! Of course, I feel so bad having your tablet stolen.."
"Okay man, I know money is hard for you right now so just pay half and no worries, 100 dollars is all I want, okay?"
"Yes, thank you Nick! That is more than fair."

The next few weeks were a series of soft-harassment phone calls.

"Dude please just ask your parents for the money? Tell them what happened they will understand."
"Okay I will"

But then a few more days will pass with no response to my calls or text messages...

I went to his house, he seemed scared...

"Joe, give me 75 dollars, give me 50 dollars, give me something.... You borrowed my tablet for 6 months, got to it broken and stolen and all I am asking is for half, and now less than half for what it originally cost. That isn't very rude of me to do!"

"I know Nick but I don't have the money."

I began to think I was shit out of luck...

It was then another week later I saw Joe with a brand new Iphone 4S. I didn't make any outstanding comments, I merely again asked for the money that was owed to me... He said sorry, again, and that he didn't have it. 

Now many of you would think 'take the phone and hold it until he pays' or 'ask how he got a phone but didn't pay you back'. Well I don't know what kind of road I took but instead I decided to no longer be his friend instead... As if that would show him...

So, that was that, we were no longer friends.. I didn't hang out with him or the group of friends.. Because they did nothing to encourage Joe to pay me back either. Lousy beatniks.. Never having real jobs but always enough to get high and have fun... In fact, it was my experience with these dead-beats that encouraged me to actually get my life moving forward.  For two years I have told all my friends and family how I wanted to teach English abroad. And watching these stoners do nothing with their lives while debating how the world is so messed up, I couldn't stand to end up even partly like them. Yes some were smart and intelligent, but they were also lazy and unmotivated to do anything genuine with their lives.  I gave up hanging out with the group after a year of party-exploits and crude adventures.

Fast forward a few months I am getting ready to leave for Indonesia to begin my teaching.  To prepare for the trip I was getting vaccinations, dentist work and paper work filed.  One day after having my wisdom tooth pulled out, my friend was driving me to his house to hang out. 

I saw Joe at a bus stop. 

It all just fires in my brain "DO SOMETHING" - my friend knew the story of what happened and I said "dude that's the guy, let me out, I will walk from here."  He said "don't do anything stupid I will be waiting."  I get out of the car in the middle of the street and walk up to him. He sees me. He is nervous.

"Hey Joe! How you been man?"
"Good" One word response indicated extreme nervousness, like I was about to attack him.
"Oh cool you got your phone, can I see?"
He hands it to me. At which point I decided to instantly slam the phone screen first into the ground and walk away. I turn back a half-second to see him examine the phone.  I didn't know if I broke it but I walked towards my friend's house.  My heart was racing, I never did something like that before.."

I told my friend and he didn't really respond.

I was curious if his phone was in fact broken so I called a friend of mine who associated with Joe still.  He indicated that Joe has not posted on Facebook for a few days and there was no answer with his phone. I had surly broken his phone.

Yet, I didn't and do not know how to feel:

On one hand I feel even for the mistrust, dishonesty and shady behavior he expressed towards me when I tried to be a good friend to him.  On the other hand maybe I should of allowed 'karma' or his own conscious to take care of the 'revenge' and guilt he should have felt.

I do not know if what I did was 'right', but I also do not feel entirely 'wrong'.  It is a mixed bag.

I am definitely not happy about my decisions and maybe that should tell me something. What do you think? Did I do the right action, what would of been a better one if not?

As far as posting this testimony online I have no fear of ramifications.  If the other part decided make legal actions, I would happily oblige, granted his potential theft of my tablet was noted. Also, I am in Thailand now, and will probably be out of the country for several years. 

So, whether what I did was right or not, and while I am not happy, if Joe ever reads this:

"You got what you deserved fuck face."

My Problem Free Life

I believe this is the song I listened to when I began writing this paper: Courage to Grow - Rebelution (http://youtu.be/8Uh4t0hYIII)

Between my close family, closest friends and myself we all have agreed that there are problems and Real Problems.

A Real Problem is a divorce with a spiteful wife that wants full custody and the house. A Real Problem is losing your house because you can't make the mortgage. Going bankrupt because your credit is unrecoverable. Not having money to feed your family - or just your family and not yourself. A mental disorder that is effecting normalcy. Being financially poor and homeless. Can't find a job after months of intense searching. Obesity related health issues. Young adult taking care of younger brothers and/or sisters. Family's racist but love the other race anyways. Abusive parents or spouse. Do not love the arranged partner for you. Lack of personal reflection leading to anger and violence. Strong alcoholism. Fear of rape; experiences and/or frequency of sexual abuse.

Any issue that involve more than a mentality shift but some form of effort, strain, stress and/or physical shift, are examples of Real Problems. Situations beyond a personality adjustment (while always useful) to resolve the problem, and requires a series of actions that exploit the current situation for the better of oneself. Exploit is necessary to say; need to find the soft/weak areas and strengthen, conquer, and/or just remove them from the situation until the problem finds resolution (or gets closer to a resolution). If the problem is something a little, or a lot, of self reflection can resolve - it's not real.
Example: If you are under 25 years old (most likely) your boyfriend/girlfriend problems are not real. Easily resolved with open communication or separation. There are billions of fish in this ocean. S/he cheated on you and your heartbroken for years? Not a real problem. You're the problem. If there was a supercomputer built tomorrow and instructed to map out the instructions for resolving all the worlds problems ... Hungry people and diseases and pollution - are way higher on the list. Much higher than love disputes of the young.. Move on. Time heals all wounds. Forgive but never forget.

Exception: If the significant other is abusive – get a restraining order, move away, shut them out, etc. An abusive boyfriend/girlfriend is a real problem, but an easier one to solve (usually).

Example2: Those adults with whom experience a mid-life crisis... Try exploring what you always wanted to explore, while being open to others (especially close friends) about it. It's when we bottle up we make terrible decisions. And finding balance is not just an internal thing. Our friends (and all people) are external and involved with your inner self. A mid-life crisis is not a Real Problem. Nor are *most* of the issues that follow. Usually any issue illuminated during a mid life crisis had a small part in the bottling up; if Jung is considered, it's the lack of balancing (seeking our shadow) that tips the scale too far and causes anxious disorder in our psyche in life (the mid life crisis). And if you so happen to make Real Problems from your mid-life crisis, well, sorry.

You do not have to be 45 to experience a "mid life" crisis. But the idea is the same - most "crisis" are not real problems. Because exploring of the self is a possible cure. If not? Extra meditation is needed. No time? I guess there is really no crisis then.

For myself: besides an outstanding college debt - in which I'm fortunate to have a supporting father and mother help me pay for - I, as your critical author, have no Real Problems. A hefty debt is something of a real problem - the severity ranges from mild to harsh; borrowing from friends and family then having them disappointed in you, to borrowing from a bank then facing legal actions.

Here are some of my problems:
  • I'm tormented by the advice of the 'sages' .... "Fuck everything while young"while still desiring monogamous relationships
  • Just starting the challenge of pursuing my goal to build a teaching career while traveling South East Asia (currently Thailand); the problems exist in where future permanence exist
  • Most of my students want to date me...
  • I miss my dogs in The States while I am teaching abroad
  • The main thing I miss from home is hot water pressure, and Taco Bell
  • Hard for me to be aware of all foreign cultures and often take offense to situations – and - sometimes offend another by mistake
  • I enjoy removing my own scabs and can't seem to quit the habit
  • Struggle to find motivation to write more, and as often as I can
  • Struggle to find motivation to continue my formal education
  • Highly functional psychopathic, yet creative, personality
  • Constantly attempt to read people's personalities
  • I always have enough to be happy but keep wanting more anyways; not in a greedy way, but in a way that makes me never feel 'good enough'
  • I can't say I have Real Problems
If at any point you suggest any of these listed are Real Problems. I'll tell you there is something really wrong with you. I'm a forth coming judgmental person; I've known this about myself for a long time and have explored it rather than assume I need to change it. And while I seem hard and aggressive at times, my intentions are the contrary; I only seek to enlighten others. I know my life is great and I am lucky to be able to love it. It's my responsibility to make sure others do the same, even if they do not welcome my perseverance - and project insecurity onto my efforts. That's why I write; to find balance in my own insecurities.

I'm no one to say I am all wise but I would lie if that is not my favorite compliment to receive; "you have an old soul." Nor am I anywhere near being an angel, but I would like to see others be holy and in heaven, even if I need to sink to hell to push them up. I can take a lot of mental angst and anxiety - but I can't stand to think others have it or suffer from it. A burden and personality disorder of my own self doing - I'm not at all surprised by my psychopathic status. Yet, I will take a thousand disorders in my mind to resolve just one: how to bring true happiness to the world (how selfish to think the world is not happy... I know); “What is true happiness?” I doubt when my problems are resolved there will be a lack of new ones. I doubt if I find happiness I will see it and grasp it with ease. I doubt I'll be happier with no problems. No struggles. No anxiety. I don't think people will be better with no stress, I think they will be happier exploring their stress while always reflecting on their self.

Your self is relative and you end up being the final judge on who exactly that self is... Which is a subjective process trying to be objective. So reflecting on it is like swimming in the ocean. You need practice to do better and to not drown when you're in there for a long time. And to be ready for a storm. You get ready by preparing for them - expecting the unexpected. You need to think about how you been slammed up against a rock during a storm, and how it might happen again, while not being afraid of it happening and not thinking it WILL happen. If you never been slammed but seen others get slammed, that's even more important to think about. To learn from their mistakes to better handle the ones you will make.

While my problems are not "real" they represent my personhood, even my personality. Real Problems are better resolved when the personality is bettered by the person driven to improve their self and their situations - and worsened by those not driven; that goes for the aspects or traits of personality (we have all the traits in different variations). Personality and intelligence are interchangeable here - what you know helps you and if you look to learn more you become more in your actions (- applied intelligence). You can learn and be smart but if you're scared to try to succeed you will come up short. If you have a real problem and are actively using the internet to help resolve it, then you are using your mind correctly (being smart) and this is often a personality choice; the self motivation to get the knowledge you need to improve the situations. Not just with internet; social circles, support groups, close friends and friends, etc. Yourself is what you do to be better than yourself. If you are never improving yourself, you're a zombie, you're the living dead - useless but trying to 'use'.

I once googled "how to change the world" - all the quotes, articles, books, blogs, etc. said pretty much the same thing "you have to change yourself first" - well it's true so try to change more, because this world is in trouble.

Identifying real and not-so-real-problems may help a lot of you whom are "stuck in your head" by thinking A. "How do others handle this problem?" And what do they do about it? And B. "Others have it worse" --- in that circuit of reasoning you will find the meaning of peace; others. Peace for self is selfish if no desire to share it.

Aristotle and his secondary happiness; political actions meant to aid and assist others will provide happiness. As there is no real primary happiness - it just depends on the individual. But we all want it. Even the serial killer is looking out for his/her own interest - a staple for happiness; the selfish self. A degree of selfishness is required but never should one with no real problems be so selfish as to not wan to change the world. And then those with real problems whom still take time to want to make the world a better place, may be stronger than they know.

I don't have Real Problems; I'm privileged. But I'm aware of those privileges and it makes me think I need to take advantage of what is offered to me (at least a little) or else they are wasted. The opportunities given from the degree of privilege you have in life - should be exploited for the good.. What a loose and vague concept that guides my rationale of this paper.

How am I good if I think bad thoughts about small issues and ignore the really bad [bigger issues]? How am I good to myself, and how am I good to those who are not myself?
(You are others - primarily - your happiness depends on the support of the primary)
No real problems? How can I not be happy?

Do you have Real Problems, or just some problems?

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


I went for a new visa in Penang, Malaysia on a Sunday - suppose to be two days of travel - thinking to return on Tuesday. I traveled in a mini van, which is normal, and while at the border I borrow a cigarette from a very attractive and tall young woman; her name is Heidi. She was leaving and reentering Thailand for her 'multiple entry visa' and didn't realize she just had to leave and reenter. She was annoyed with that, but, whatever not my problem. I thought she was odd and assumed she was a person whom desired large amounts of freedom... In other words - a hipster. We exchanged information to hang out while we stayed in Penang. We search for a hostel and hotel together; I am a fugal guy, I just need a bed and a place to leave my bag during the day but she is interested in a single room for herself. We find me a hostel and she goes to find herself a hotel. The first night was casual. I bought beer and shared it with the young man who was working at the hostel. His name was Alex and is from Pakistan. Good, smart and kind guy.

So the next day I go to consulate but it is closed on Tuesday - and now have to leave Wednesday. Met two backpackers, one from New Jersey, America and the other from Denmark. They offered to have a drink later that night, but that will not happen. Heidi messaged me during the day, and I was pretty pissed off I had to spend more time in Penang... But she was nice and wanted to talk more. So she came by the hostel and we bought some beer and talked for a while. Turns out she is a drama-filled lesbian with stories of both tragedy and stupidity. However I still thought she was nice, so we drank more. Below is the recap of the night we spent together. It is written on my phone, drunk, from 3 to 4 a.m while walking drunk (errors in spelling corrected later):
Lesbian and I got drunk in hostel before nightly venture. Went out. Spent 200 ringgit in total. Lesbian got stupid drunk kept trying to fondle and convince girls to sleep with her. Fondled at least three women. Embarrassing. She then got too drunk went to club and danced. Sits down with man. Man begins to fondle her. I told bartender to cut her off. He says no. I ask bouncer to kick her out, he says no. I ask bouncer if she attacks me or gets loud will you kick her out. He suggest that is something he can do for me. Man continues to fondle her. She kisses him. She can't even sit straight. "No more drinks, we are leaving." She fights me. She hits me. We are escorted out. She walks out, I follow her to taxi area, and she sits with "friends" - then, man from bar approaches me. The fondler. He ask me where I come from and says "this is my country" in angry tone I said "I don't care that's my friend. I'm not afraid of you" I walk a little bit away to sit down. He comes towards me, I stand up, ready, and shakes my hand and says "if you need anything when you come back to town you ask me." I don't respond and stare him down, ready. I tell the friends which is her hotel, she tells me to leave her alone, I yell at her "I'm trying to protect you and you're angry at me you dumb shit - I came out with you I need to make sure you go home too" and nodded to the friends and left on foot to hostel.
As walking home a man pulls over and I think he is going to help me get home. I show him hostel business card and he says "oh, no know where is...."
"Okay no problem thanks anyway"
"you want dick suck?"
"By you?"
He stares in agreement
"Get out of here!" as I pointed forward.
Beyond the fact I was just offered to have my dick suck like a drive thru window; "are you still serving cocks?" - by a man. I couldn't stop thinking about how most Malaysians in this city speak much better than "want dick suck?"
Walked for hour, lost, to find hostel... Go to bed with a hundred mosquito bites.
Continue written record of following day:
I wake up next day, after 3 hours of sleep, staring with half open eyes at my dorm mate - I asked "what did you guys do last night" he responds "we got penanged" I think for a moment, I'm really tired and my eyes are slowly shutting and I say softly "that's funny" - hearing that anal rape story of despair sounded better than sleeping. I got up.
Got up to hear their story of serving underage girls drinks (to their ignorance), among a hipster lesbian and entourage, among other tragic tales... I'll let them tell their tale themselves! Essentially, two people from New Jersey, America (myself included) and one from Copenhagen, Denmark, were Penanged.
As though united by a mission to make the next day less tragic, we went out there together...
The followings day summarized:
  • ate little or terribly or nothing
  • rented bikes
  • drove to beach
  • peer pressured Kevin to eat small fish
  • key broke in bike ignition
  • we travel down the road taking turns as passenger on second bike, and eat
  • borrow and use pliers to turn bike on
  • drive back in haste to return bike before has tank emptied
  • one of us gets into accident (same bike as broken key)
  • injured party (Kevin) received superficial wounds and a bruised rib
  • man had post-surgery glasses on face from recent laser eye surgery
  • blamed our friend for accident
  • wrote our shared testimony and reported to police station
  • all before 4 pm
  • projected nightly activity - drink hard alcohol
  • long hours of police station, and a selfish nap
  • went out for food
  • played a card game at restaurant
  • from Fred and Kevin's night met the same lesbian hipster and entourage, drank and smoked hookah (hashish)
  • smoked some marijuana (it was free, best part of night)
  • Nick's only pair of slippers (flip flops) breaks
  • had ridiculous dance ritual before bed
Official statement: Penanged
Exerts from the day:
"I totally get what Penanged meant from the beginning; it's a play on words for anal rape."
A moments pause
"Yeah, yeah it has been"

Light smiles on faces
"It's anal sex but the only lube is from your tears"
"What a horrific, yet, accurate description. What an awkward position it is... Looking Penang in the eye while getting penetrated with no lubricant and having to flex forward to cry on your cock..."

"The meal is paid for, they took my credit card. We didn't get Penanged for this meal"
"Don't say that I'm not done eating yet"

"Its it's own sort of entity"


Touches rib cage on Nicholas whom is big boned "this is the most intense thing I've done in a while"

"This is my high dance"
A foreshadow of two high and tired and drunk men to later dance on green mats at our hostel.
To finish off Penanged:
Following morning I walk barefoot to mall and bank and see a shoe box. Kick it open to find no shitty pair of shoes to take. Keep walking. Bank says I need passport. Passport is at embassy until 2pm. Walk back to hostel. Eat with the guys to say good bye. Walk into left side mirror of a truck. The last group Penang before the two went to the ferry. Sincere hugs exchanged; new friends from tragedy. I go to hostel, friend of owner drives me to embassy - takes two hours. Rush to catch van. Tell them to wait. Go to bank says "you need your father to add your middle name on form" - "are you serious?!" I take paper, crumbled it and run to van. No more money in my pocket. Two others in van with me. We get stopped by police, they want bribe money. We go through border and then begin to talk about my bare situation. Older man - offers to feed me and make sure I am okay to keep going home. I say no but thank you. Seemed disappointed. Other was a girl who gave me 100 baht to buy shoes. I felt bad - she was dating a man from Penang and thought it was serious... He definitely has multiple girlfriends that visit every 6 months or so - it was her second encounter with him.... I said "be careful" I know because no one drives away from a loved one as fast as he did.
---- luck finally changes ----
I make it for last van back home. Military stops van, I am in front seat. Ask me where I am from and what am I doing here; America and teacher. Three of them smile big smiles. One shakes my hand and thanks me. We go. Van drops me down street of home. Half way home my thai-brother sees me and picks me up.
Tell my story to our thai-brother (mutual friend) so he can translate for everyone. He can't - laughs too hard.

What turned into an easy 2 day trip to get a visa mutated into 2 nights of anal rape. Good times.

Apologies for making 'rape' into a joke; it's not funny. Unless it's a city metaphorically penetrating you.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Transhumanist Dialogue between an ignostic transtheist, a gnostic theist, and an agnostic atheist

AA - Agnostic Atheist, IT - Ignostic Transtheist, GT - Gnostic Theist

AA: "...But transhumanism already assumes there is no god except the man made meme people are warped in believing by corrupt religious leaders and misunderstood interpretation over the centuries."

IT: "No it assumes that is what is wrong with modern religions, not the conclusion there is no God. Merely, that the inquiry involved should be expanded and improved. What is God? What does it mean that God created us? How do we know if that means there is a plan? And not just an origin?

The idea of "ancient aliens" interrupting natural evolution for slaves to clones to experiments. Why not? Could make sense of the old religions. Makes you think.. Why don't people question God more than tell people to believe in God? Just talk to me about how you feel about the topic... I'll tell you how everyone, even those who talk about not believing In a God, feel similar about the topic.

It's a matter of questioning ones morality often as well. A topic no stranger to neo-atheist I may add."

GT: "I don't feel that label is appropriate to general the movement of atheism today, I think it is merely collective conscious at work. It just so happens to be more populated by atheist right now. I often feel the same ways about science and how it is connected with understanding the nature of God. My faith is what matters. I don't think it's misguided because I reject creation but still believe in a designer. A long term plan set in motion... No such way to know the absolute plenty for the wrong actions we do... Except by how we as humans measure them. We have laws because we are not entirely sure a murderer will suffer internally for his crimes, but rejoice in them. Gods will? Unlikely. We choose to ignore such a will. I try hard to figure out what Gods will could be for humanity's part in the cosmos... I don't see how others could be so jaded to so many topics when they just need to believe in God.

I don't mean that fundamentalist mainstream crap... If their not acting like their respective religious leaders acted.. They are hypocrites. Muslims seem to be the exception if infidels are related to a biblical style God - a judgment machine.

The judgment was made. We choose to not commit to the sentence to repay our part."

AA: "Has to be the worst argument for God ever, but it's still rather beautiful to believe and see no harm in that. In fact, if all theist thought that way I would never want to be an atheist. The matter of the fact is the common idea of a God is anthropomorphized like crazy, and then loved for being like a human - God gets to be jealous and angry, but we shouldn't? But are anyways? What kind of resolution happens when you decide to never be a hypocrite? How much of yourself do you have to stop being?

The depiction of God in literary terms is an expression of humanity in fictional terms.

We are better off campaigning the dismissal of such thinking than the expansion. They are not founded on transcendental principles, anymore, they are practiced on believing in the people who created, in the first place, and reciting them, not necessarily acting out, their principles is enough to find metaphysical sanctuary. A mental state that is so secure in of it self, that the self is never explored properly but in the predispositions of comfort-consciousness. Or whatever. I find this philosophy boring.. The fact we dismiss or avoid thinking about how we culturally behave, and concern more about religion, that is also a big turn off from socializing with theist. The inability to question. On the topic: God as it stands will not benefit the future of humanity. For reasons that are exponential to me - but fuzzily discussed on my turn."

IT: "While I agree the standard understanding of God shared among fundamentalist and extremist as being an image of judgment, and potentially what clouds them from actually expanding their thoughts on God. I think that is the battle above the fact of a Gods existence is understanding how everyone else believes or thinks about God. No questioning, no benefits from the faith. Believing God set a plan an out it forth is fine. Yet, what actions do you take to bring humanity forward? Do you just preach or do you act? How do you do both?

And questioning everyone's individual interpretation of God is monumental to that. But also bringing there connection with their projection of God along with your own projection of "the divine." I mean atheist get pretty excited defeating a "theist" what ever that means these days.. In a logical argument. Seems like they project that quality on their personal philosophies - which happens to be shared. Rather than try to defeat them... Tell them how you feel when you think about you "God" your idea of what a "all good creator" would have in mind and how you try to be that. Just use the vocabulary and semantics that won't offended them... Saying "God is bullshit" does more dissonance than "God is knowledge" - try it out. I mean, as long as they question their self once, that's all that matters right?

I don't think the belief of God is going away any time soon - might as well adapt at a higher frequency or be a rebel and say "fuck God" but your just good to socially push yourselves into a group like you are not.. Eventually be a new age religion. Plus you can't know either way, why be so certain? Why be so concerned, to label yourself atheist!?

Such is a movement towards "God" that is a collective awareness.. I mean "spiritual but no religious" is a thing now. I think God and religion are in the pudding of humanity. Better off taste testing than hanging the recipes. Know how to be a snob about God in a sense. Heh."

GT: "The movement of "atheism" is no more than the innate moral desires of a generation acting against the prior generations actions due to the immortality of them in retrospect. Shit, plenty of reason to literally turn from God. But you can't, these decisions to do such were already known but ignored to be satisfied and seek pleasure. Desire is sin... But not for practical needs.. But for needs that are based on how we believe "we are the best" - this is the evil in our minds we brighten out with thoughts of God. A killer still has his best interest in heart; we all share such a quality, but he is wrong to prevent others from being able to have their own interest at heart. It's a sin, it's an evil because the killer prevented that person from becoming a killer. Which I know sounds weird but think about it - Someone who kills was still trained to be a person in a society. Perhaps sins are social as well as individual. But not sins, the behavior to make them. God in us all mean we are all God. To harm one anther harms God. Religions need to bare their most ancient roots once again. Not break them and un pluck them. Gods message is within the shared ideas of the religions
I don't think atheist will make a new religion but definitely get to the point of making a larger impact on religions and making "atheist" an option. Like Christian atheist. What they should do is better be able to understand the religions than their respective practitioners, understand more about Protestant history than a Protestant, for example, to teach them..

The answers were given a thousand times now. Looking for them besides in the obvious place is foolish; holy books are such for a reason, just read and compare them all. the answers won't make you a better person though, remembering what they can't answer will. Oh and definitely actions speak louder than words."

AA: "Yes and many believe in the words of the bible and Koran are literal..."

IT: "Don't be foolish not all of them but literalism is definitely a concluding point."

GT: "Agreed; whether you choose to believe in God or not, question that belief and choose to. And if I may say one more sentence following this one."

IT: "Too late, ha, but you can wrap it up"

AA: "Yes"

GT: "God existence shouldn't be a reason to be a good human, being a good human is enough to be one with God and to feel God's existence."

AA: "Taken multidimensional-ly, I agree in the sense of consciousness and collective human awareness, we tend to need others to be ourselves. Just don't need to use the word... Just say nature I guess .."

IT: "Morality is the thread that ties together human nature."