Wednesday, February 18, 2015


I went for a new visa in Penang, Malaysia on a Sunday - suppose to be two days of travel - thinking to return on Tuesday. I traveled in a mini van, which is normal, and while at the border I borrow a cigarette from a very attractive and tall young woman; her name is Heidi. She was leaving and reentering Thailand for her 'multiple entry visa' and didn't realize she just had to leave and reenter. She was annoyed with that, but, whatever not my problem. I thought she was odd and assumed she was a person whom desired large amounts of freedom... In other words - a hipster. We exchanged information to hang out while we stayed in Penang. We search for a hostel and hotel together; I am a fugal guy, I just need a bed and a place to leave my bag during the day but she is interested in a single room for herself. We find me a hostel and she goes to find herself a hotel. The first night was casual. I bought beer and shared it with the young man who was working at the hostel. His name was Alex and is from Pakistan. Good, smart and kind guy.

So the next day I go to consulate but it is closed on Tuesday - and now have to leave Wednesday. Met two backpackers, one from New Jersey, America and the other from Denmark. They offered to have a drink later that night, but that will not happen. Heidi messaged me during the day, and I was pretty pissed off I had to spend more time in Penang... But she was nice and wanted to talk more. So she came by the hostel and we bought some beer and talked for a while. Turns out she is a drama-filled lesbian with stories of both tragedy and stupidity. However I still thought she was nice, so we drank more. Below is the recap of the night we spent together. It is written on my phone, drunk, from 3 to 4 a.m while walking drunk (errors in spelling corrected later):
Lesbian and I got drunk in hostel before nightly venture. Went out. Spent 200 ringgit in total. Lesbian got stupid drunk kept trying to fondle and convince girls to sleep with her. Fondled at least three women. Embarrassing. She then got too drunk went to club and danced. Sits down with man. Man begins to fondle her. I told bartender to cut her off. He says no. I ask bouncer to kick her out, he says no. I ask bouncer if she attacks me or gets loud will you kick her out. He suggest that is something he can do for me. Man continues to fondle her. She kisses him. She can't even sit straight. "No more drinks, we are leaving." She fights me. She hits me. We are escorted out. She walks out, I follow her to taxi area, and she sits with "friends" - then, man from bar approaches me. The fondler. He ask me where I come from and says "this is my country" in angry tone I said "I don't care that's my friend. I'm not afraid of you" I walk a little bit away to sit down. He comes towards me, I stand up, ready, and shakes my hand and says "if you need anything when you come back to town you ask me." I don't respond and stare him down, ready. I tell the friends which is her hotel, she tells me to leave her alone, I yell at her "I'm trying to protect you and you're angry at me you dumb shit - I came out with you I need to make sure you go home too" and nodded to the friends and left on foot to hostel.
As walking home a man pulls over and I think he is going to help me get home. I show him hostel business card and he says "oh, no know where is...."
"Okay no problem thanks anyway"
"you want dick suck?"
"By you?"
He stares in agreement
"Get out of here!" as I pointed forward.
Beyond the fact I was just offered to have my dick suck like a drive thru window; "are you still serving cocks?" - by a man. I couldn't stop thinking about how most Malaysians in this city speak much better than "want dick suck?"
Walked for hour, lost, to find hostel... Go to bed with a hundred mosquito bites.
Continue written record of following day:
I wake up next day, after 3 hours of sleep, staring with half open eyes at my dorm mate - I asked "what did you guys do last night" he responds "we got penanged" I think for a moment, I'm really tired and my eyes are slowly shutting and I say softly "that's funny" - hearing that anal rape story of despair sounded better than sleeping. I got up.
Got up to hear their story of serving underage girls drinks (to their ignorance), among a hipster lesbian and entourage, among other tragic tales... I'll let them tell their tale themselves! Essentially, two people from New Jersey, America (myself included) and one from Copenhagen, Denmark, were Penanged.
As though united by a mission to make the next day less tragic, we went out there together...
The followings day summarized:
  • ate little or terribly or nothing
  • rented bikes
  • drove to beach
  • peer pressured Kevin to eat small fish
  • key broke in bike ignition
  • we travel down the road taking turns as passenger on second bike, and eat
  • borrow and use pliers to turn bike on
  • drive back in haste to return bike before has tank emptied
  • one of us gets into accident (same bike as broken key)
  • injured party (Kevin) received superficial wounds and a bruised rib
  • man had post-surgery glasses on face from recent laser eye surgery
  • blamed our friend for accident
  • wrote our shared testimony and reported to police station
  • all before 4 pm
  • projected nightly activity - drink hard alcohol
  • long hours of police station, and a selfish nap
  • went out for food
  • played a card game at restaurant
  • from Fred and Kevin's night met the same lesbian hipster and entourage, drank and smoked hookah (hashish)
  • smoked some marijuana (it was free, best part of night)
  • Nick's only pair of slippers (flip flops) breaks
  • had ridiculous dance ritual before bed
Official statement: Penanged
Exerts from the day:
"I totally get what Penanged meant from the beginning; it's a play on words for anal rape."
A moments pause
"Yeah, yeah it has been"

Light smiles on faces
"It's anal sex but the only lube is from your tears"
"What a horrific, yet, accurate description. What an awkward position it is... Looking Penang in the eye while getting penetrated with no lubricant and having to flex forward to cry on your cock..."

"The meal is paid for, they took my credit card. We didn't get Penanged for this meal"
"Don't say that I'm not done eating yet"

"Its it's own sort of entity"


Touches rib cage on Nicholas whom is big boned "this is the most intense thing I've done in a while"

"This is my high dance"
A foreshadow of two high and tired and drunk men to later dance on green mats at our hostel.
To finish off Penanged:
Following morning I walk barefoot to mall and bank and see a shoe box. Kick it open to find no shitty pair of shoes to take. Keep walking. Bank says I need passport. Passport is at embassy until 2pm. Walk back to hostel. Eat with the guys to say good bye. Walk into left side mirror of a truck. The last group Penang before the two went to the ferry. Sincere hugs exchanged; new friends from tragedy. I go to hostel, friend of owner drives me to embassy - takes two hours. Rush to catch van. Tell them to wait. Go to bank says "you need your father to add your middle name on form" - "are you serious?!" I take paper, crumbled it and run to van. No more money in my pocket. Two others in van with me. We get stopped by police, they want bribe money. We go through border and then begin to talk about my bare situation. Older man - offers to feed me and make sure I am okay to keep going home. I say no but thank you. Seemed disappointed. Other was a girl who gave me 100 baht to buy shoes. I felt bad - she was dating a man from Penang and thought it was serious... He definitely has multiple girlfriends that visit every 6 months or so - it was her second encounter with him.... I said "be careful" I know because no one drives away from a loved one as fast as he did.
---- luck finally changes ----
I make it for last van back home. Military stops van, I am in front seat. Ask me where I am from and what am I doing here; America and teacher. Three of them smile big smiles. One shakes my hand and thanks me. We go. Van drops me down street of home. Half way home my thai-brother sees me and picks me up.
Tell my story to our thai-brother (mutual friend) so he can translate for everyone. He can't - laughs too hard.

What turned into an easy 2 day trip to get a visa mutated into 2 nights of anal rape. Good times.

Apologies for making 'rape' into a joke; it's not funny. Unless it's a city metaphorically penetrating you.

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